Millerna's Peek into the Human Body
by J.Alberghini
Summary: The lesson they've all been waiting for... and maybe the last too.
1. Digestion

Disclaimer: Escaflowne does not belong to me. 

Millerna's Peek into the Human Body: Digestion

After a grueling battle with Zaibach, Millerna called Van, Allen and the members of the Crusade into the throne room of the Fried castle. Hitomi, Merle and Prince Chid were sitting there impatiently. 

"What do you want?" Van asked crossly, sitting between Hitomi and Merle. He was exhausted.

"I thought that, after a tough battle, what would be more fun then a little studying."

Their jaws dropped. "Studying?" Hitomi repeated. "I don't exactly find that relaxing."

"Oh, it's much more fun than you think," she said, overly cheerfully. "Because today we're going to learn about the digestive system. Isn't that exciting?"  
"Yeah, real exciting," they mumbled.

"Show some enthusiasm." Van raised his hand. "Yes?"

"I think I left my enthusiasm back on the battlefield. Mind if I go back and get it?"

"Yes, I do mind," she snapped. "You're going to learn something if it kills you."

Hitomi raised her hand this time. "What if you already learned about digestion?"

"Then you'll learn again. Cheer up." She took out an armful of papers. "I have diagrams!"

"How wonderful!" Merle said sarcastically.

Millerna scowled at her. "How 'bout we dissect a live specimen, perhaps a cat?"

"You know, I think I left something on the battlefield too. See ya." Merle was off like a shot.

Prince Chid raised his hand. "My stomach hurts."

"Well, maybe in this lesson you'll figure out why," she said impatiently. "After all, as we know, it's part of the digestive system."

"Oh. " His face fell. Allen patted him on the arm sympathetically.

"So, let's begin." She unrolled a diagram. "This is the human digestive system. Van, can you lend me your sword as a pointer?"

"Huh, what?" He had it pointed at his neck. "I'm using it."

Hitomi took it away from him. "Me first."

"You can use it later. " Millerna grabbed it. "Here's the mouth. We have the teeth, tongue and salivary glands. Does anyone know what they're used for?"

Allen's hand shout up. "I know what the mouth and the tongue are used for. They…"  
"Allen!" Hitomi screeched. "That's disgusting."

"What? I was going to say kissing."

"Good, I thought you were going to say something else."

"Eew, Hitomi!" Van exclaimed, realizing what she was thinking about. 

"Sorry, I've been reading too many American newspapers in history and I immediately thought of their soon to be former president."

"Ahem, can we continue?" No one answered her. "Okay, the salivary glands release saliva, which contains digestive enzymes that digest the food chemically. By chewing the teeth digest it mechanically. The tongue mixes the food and the saliva and helps swallow. Is everybody listening?" Once again there was silence. She continued. "Then the food goes down the esophagus which is a tube that pushes it into the stomach. Then in the stomach, acids continue to digest the food chemically with enzymes. Sometimes the acids are created due to stress, causing ulcers."  
"I think I have one," said Van. Hitomi giggled.

"Then the food goes into the small intestine where the villi absorb the nutrients."

"I learned that on the Magic School Bus," Hitomi commented. (A/N: I actually did. Hee hee.) 

"The villi contain capillaries which transport the nutrients throughout the blood into other parts of the body. Fatty acids, which are part of fats, hence the name, are diffused into the lacteals."

"Speaking of lact," said Mr. Mole. "I'm lactose intolerant. Is that…"

"It has absolutely nothing to do with this." Millerna interrupted. "Not much anyway. Anyhow, after the nutrients are absorbed, the remaining undigested materials go into the large intestine where excess water is reabsorbed. If too much water is absorbed, then constipation occurs. The opposite is diarrhea."

"I think I'm going to be sick," said Hitomi. She and Van were both turning green. 

"Then it is stored temporarily in the rectum until it is egested through the anus." Millerna gave Van his sword back. "Next lesson is on circulation."

"I think rumors are circulating," Van whispered, "that she's a little, uh…"

"Nuts?" Hitomi supplied. "One thing's for sure, I'm never becoming a doctor. Or taking biology again."

"Me neither, I throw up at of the sight of my own blood."

"You usually throw up your blood," Hitomi reminded him. "Hey, she didn't mention vomiting."

"Uh, because it's what we're going to be doing now," Van said. 

"Oh, right. " They tossed their cookies, their cakes, everything under the sun, right there and then.

The end. 


	2. Lessons of the Heart

Disclaimer: Escaflowne does not belong to me.

Lessons of the Heart

Looking defeated, Van jumped out of Escaflowne. Hitomi was gone; he could scarecly believe it. She had given herself up willingly. He went back to the castle where the others were waiting.

Millerna was tending to Dryden's wounds. "You know," she said, "we never did that lesson on circulation like I promised."

Van exploded. "How can you even think of lessons at a time like this? Doesn't it matter to you? Or are you that heartless?"

"I'm just trying o keep everyone's mind off things." She tried to smile brightly. "I know. How about, instead of circulation, we learn about the heart?"

"Uh, I think I know enough about heart problems, thank you very much."

"But the human heart is an absolutely fabulous thing!" Millerna said. She glared at Merle. "Don't you dare say a word, kitty-cat, or else you'll be a guinea pig." Merle turned pale and backed away slowly.

"Now, let's begin. Dryden, can you hand me my bag?"

"Sure," he said, "when my head stops spinning. You think you can fix it first, before you start rambling on?"

"You know her too well," Merle said under her breath.

"You're heart's going to be working over time, if at all; after I get through with you your head is going to need all it can get. So, my husband, I suggest you wait patiently. You'll survive unless you aggravate me."

"Talk about touchy," he muttered.

"Perhaps we can preserve your heart for further study after I kill you." He shut up.

"Now, the human heart is about the size of a fist."

"Like this?" Van interrupted, holding it in the air.

"Yes, exactly like that."

"Allen, come here for a minute. I'll teach you a thing or two about heart trouble."

"Can we continue please?" Millerna said, annoyed. "What are you so angry about anyway?"

"He's upset because we were fighting over the same one and I got it."

"You two act like children sometimes," Merle said.

"Anyway, back to the heart, the real, blood-pumping, heart. Not what you're all talking about. Anyway, like I said, the heart pumps blood through regular contractions. It's mostly muscle. The heart has four chambers."

"Yeah," Van interrupted again. "Torture chambers." After the last lesson, he no longer bothered to raise his hand.

"No, the atria and the ventricles. It also contains veins, the aorta, arteries and valves. The pumping of the heart has two periods: diastole and systole."

"Speaking of stealing," Van raised his fist at Allen again.

Millerna pushed it down. "Diastole is the period of relaxation and systole is the period of contraction."

Eries Aston poked her head in. "Periods and contractions. Don't you think that's inappropriate to discuss with men?"

"We're talking about the heart," Millerna explained to her sister. "That comes in the lesson about human sexuality, and it's something I believe men should learn anyway."

"I suppose you're right." She sat down.

"Hey, speaking of human sexuality," spoke up Dryden, "it is our wedding night."

"Did you forget my warning?" she asked.

He sighed. "Never mind."

She continued. "The oxygenated blood, which is oxygen rich as opposed to deoxygenated blood, which is oxygen poor…"

Van interrupted yet again. "If Hitomi were oxygen," he said, "Allen would be oxygen rich and I'd be deoxygenated."

Merle was growing exasperated. "I may need some oxygen, because I'm going to start screaming until I'm blue in the face!"

"That deals more with the lungs, I believe. I haven't researched it enough yet. But the oxygenated blood comes from the lungs through the pulmonary veins. The flow of blood between the heart and the lungs is pulmonary circulation. The oxygenated blood first goes into the left atrium then through the atrioventricular or AV valves into the left ventricle. The ventricles contract and the semilunar valves open to the pulmonary arteries where blood comes from the right ventricle. But we'll talk about that in a minute. The blood flows from the left ventricle into the aorta. The aorta is the largest artery. It carries blood to all the other body parts except for the lungs. Deoxygenated blood comes from the right atrium then to the right ventricle to the pulmonary arteries and back to the lungs where it becomes oxygenated again. It's a cycle," she explained.

"This has all been very interesting," said Van sarcastically. "But we have other things to do."

"Fine, go. That's enough for today."  
"Thank goodness!" Merle exclaimed. 

"Yeah," Van said, a bit sadly. "And I still don't know what's wrong with mine."

"Well, I don't think it has anything to do with what she's talking about."

"No, I sill think punching Allen would be a good idea."  
"Oh, wait!" Millerna called after them.

"What do you want now?"

"I forgot to tell you about blood pressure."

Merle and Van exchanged a look. "Perhaps Allen isn't the one who should be punched," Merle commented.

"Yow!!!!!!"

The End. 


	3. Reproduction

Disclaimer: Escaflowne does not belong to me.

Reproduction

It had been a while since that last lesson. Hitomi was back now and Folken had joined them. They had hoped she had given up after Merle had given her a lesson of her own. But she wasn't through with them yet.

Van sat down and groaned. "You'd think she'd have learned her lesson, but no…"

"Cheer up," said Folken, sitting next to him. "It'll be a good experience. Fill your head with something other than battle strategies."

Now it was Merle's turn to groan. "Am I going to have to hit you too?"

"I can't believe I missed that," Hitomi said disappointedly. 

"Well, you may get another chance," said Dryden. "So I wouldn't worry about it. "

She sighed. "It's not the same." Hitomi looked around. "Where is Millerna, anyway?"

Allen shrugged. "I hope she didn't bring us here for nothing," he started to say. 

Just then, Millerna burst in; her arms once again loaded with diagrams. "Hello!" she said cheerfully. 

"Hey," they mumbled. 

"Oh, don't be so gloomy. We're going to have some fun today!"

"What now?" Dryden said wryly. "The absolutely fascinating foot?" They snickered. 

Millerna shook her head. "No. Reproduction."

The room was immediately filled with cheers from the Crusade.

"But, if you don't want to…"

"No, we'll behave, we promise," said Gadeth.

"Yeah," the others agreed.

"Well, if that's how you feel…" She turned around and grinned triumphantly.

"Wait!" They heard someone shout. Princess Eries rushed in. "I thought you said you'd tell me when you were doing this."

"Oh, sorry, I must have forgot," Millerna said apologetically. "So, are you really sure you want to?" She directed this question to those who hadn't said anything: Van, Hitomi, Merle, Allen, Folken and Dryden. 

Van shrugged. "Doesn't matter to me. The only one around here who really knows about sexual reproduction is Allen."

"Hey!" Allen protested. "I just have a little more experience in that matter."

"Yes, I know and it makes me nervous," said Hitomi, who still hadn't excepted his marriage proposal. "I'm not quite up to that level yet." 

"Yeah, you sure have a lot of balls, Allen," Van said. 

Millerna let out a cry that made everyone jump.

"What was that?" Merle asked.

Millerna unrolled her diagram. "The male reproductive system. Testes, which Van just mentioned, are the male gonads. They produce sperm, the male sex cells. The sperm are then stored in the epididimus, where they mature." 

Merle giggled. "That's a funny word. It sounds like hippopotamus."

"Anyway," Millerna continued, "when they're fully mature, and the male undergoes sexual arousal (this got another giggle from Merle and cheers from the Crusade) the sperm travel through the vas deferens to the lower part of the abdomen. They pass through the Cowper's gland, the prostate gland, and seminal vesicles, which secrete fluids that mix with the sperm to form semen. The semen provides a watery environment for the sperm to swim in, and also protect it from the acidity of the female reproductive system. Then it exits through the urethra."

Van raised his hand. "We're talking about humans, right?"

"Of course we are, dummy," Allen snapped. 

"Hey, don't call my brother that," Folken jumped in. 

"I can fight my own battles, thank you." Van stood up, fists clenched. 

"Van, stop it!" said Hitomi. 

"Yeah, listen to her. Stop being such a dick!"

Their arguing was interrupted by another scream from Millerna.

"The urethra leads out through the penis to the outside of the body. On, and I forget to mention, the scrotum holds the testes and regulates their temperature, slightly lower than the body's, or else there would be problems with the sperm. This could be if the testes are too close to the rest of the body, for example, wearing really tight pants or…"

"Yeah, you ought to stop wearing those tight leather pants, Allen," Van said scathingly. "It seems fertilization is all you're good for."

"Excellent Van!" Millerna exclaimed. "Fertilization, the joining of the sperm and the egg to make a baby. This happens in the women's body." She unrolled a diagram of the female reproductive system. "Eggs are created in the ovaries, and, when fully mature, they are released into the fallopian tube. This is the site of fertilization if any sperm are present." The reply to this was blank stares. 

"How…" Gadeth started to say, but he changed his mind, unsure of how to phrase the question. 

"How what? The sperm and egg both have a nucleus, which combine into one, creating a zygote, which becomes the baby."

Their expressions didn't change. They had absolutely no idea what she was saying. 

Princess Eries stood up. "You need to find ways to reach these dimwits. Let me try. Allen, could you help me out a bit? You're the expert, after all."  
"Uh, sure." He followed her to the door. 

Folken stood up as well. "I'll help them."

"What do you know about this?" Van asked him. 

"Not much," he admitted. "But my curiosity has got the better of me. Besides, I want to get my new invention." He disappeared after them. 

"Well, said Millerna, "while we're waiting for them, we'll talk about menstruation."

The men grimaced. "Do we have to?" asked Dryden. 

"It's really quite simple," she said, ignoring him. "The cycle goes on for twenty eight days. First, the egg matures in something called the follicle. When it's fully mature, the follicle ruptures and releases the egg into the oviduct. This is called ovulation. During this process, the uterine lining starts to thicken. It continues thickening throughout the cycle until the menstrual period where the unfertilized egg and blood leave the body. There's a bit more to it, hormones and such, but I'll keep it simple for now."

"I'm glad I don't have my period yet," said Merle.

Hitomi looked surprised. "You don't? Well, it's only a matter of time."

"Must we talk about this?" asked Van. He looked almost as green as he did when they learned about digestion.

Folken, Eries and Allen came back into the room. Folken was carrying what looked like a projector with a VCR attached and Allen and Eries had a wooden stage and a box.

"What's that?" Hitomi asked. 

"A stage," Eries replied. 

"Obviously. But what's in the box?"

She took something out of it. "Puppets!" she answered gleefully. 

They burst out laughing. Allen blushed furiously. "I can't believe I agreed to this."  
"Oh, be a good sport." Eries handed him a puppet. It looked like a sock with a long tail.

Hitomi was cracking up. "I can't believe those two are putting on a puppet show."

"Don't have a fit," said Van, slightly alarmed.

Allen poked his head out the window of the stage. "Don't laugh. It wasn't my idea." He ducked behind the small curtain Eries had just put up. She lowered Millerna's diagram, then joined him. 

A moment later, two puppetspopped up. One was the one she gave Allen earlier, and the other what looked like a material Easter egg with no colors. 

They all had to hold back their somewhat childish giggles now. Folken, who had been pretty reserved until this point couldn't take it. He laughed so hard he nearly dropped what he was carrying and, when he went to catch it, knocked down the stage, along with Eries and Allen, leaving them in a knot on the floor. They struggled to untie themselves, but slipped on the puppets and fell backward, Eries landing right on top of him. Now everyone else started laughing. Even Millerna was smiling, even though she was a bit miffed about this. Folken stopped laughing and stepped over them to say something to Millerna. She smiled even wider and nodded, taking something out of her bag. "I have a special treat for you. With this Zaibach and Mystic Moon technology, we are going to show you something new."

Hitomi's face went white. "Oh, no!"   
"What's the matter?" Merle asked. 

"No, not that. Anything but that."

"Spit it out," said Dryden impatiently. 

"No… not The Miracle of Life."

Their jaws dropped. Everyone screamed and ran from the room. 

Millerna stood there looking puzzled. "Was it something I said?" She shrugged and put the tape it. "Whoops, forgot to rewind." Her eyes grew wide. "Oh, dear. I'm never having kids." She sat down and watched the movie. 

The End. 


End file.
